my big girl

~ coloring is very serious business ~

It has only been 11 days, but it feels like a lifetime since I've been a real "mom" to my big girl. How can someone grow up so much in such a short time? She's learning new words, and throwing new tantrums, and being even more bossy than she was a couple of weeks ago. Staying down here at the hospital feels a little like living in a bubble where time stands still, even though the rest of the world continues to turn as usual. It makes you realize how really small you are in the big scheme of things. In the long run, I know this episode in our lives will seem like just a blip on the radar, but while we're in the middle of it, it seems like time in our bubble is standing still. If only I could tell Laci to be still for the next few weeks, then I wouldn't feel like I'm missing so much.

Looking on the bright side of things, it makes our short visits with Laci even more special. She definitely misses us and is very, very generous with her hugs, kisses, squeezes, and "patty pats" on our backs when she does see us. I love to see her little eyes light up when we come in the room. For obvious reasons, she gets a bit clingy when we're around and doesn't want us to leave the room. She tells me "Sit!" if I'm not where she wants me to be. She has no problems speaking her mind.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if she were a bit older and we could clearly explain what is going on, maybe it would be easier for her to understand why she isn't seeing us very much these days. On the other hand, I am thankful she isn't old enough to truly worry about us or her baby sister, because that is stress a little person certainly doesn't need.

I want her to understand how brave she is being while we're away. Laci and I have never been apart for this long, and I miss her terribly. I want her to know that this situation is only temporary and that she probably won't even remember this experience as she gets older. I tell her these things, but I'm not sure how much her little (almost) two year old brain can process.

On Saturday, my parents brought Laci to the hospital to visit us. I put up some pictures of Mia on the computer and talked to her about how baby sister doesn't live in my tummy anymore. To my surprise, Laci seemed like she was listening very carefully...almost thoughtfully. She patted my tummy and said, "sissy" like we have been practicing for the past month. She said, "Ooooo!" when she saw the picture of the baby on the screen, and then tried to scoop baby Mia out of the picture. Laci still hasn't quite figured out the difference between pictures and real life. I told Laci that baby sister is very sick right now and mommy and daddy have to spend a lot of time at the hospital to help baby Mia get better. Then we practiced saying, "Mia," which she says very well. I'm sure she doesn't fully grasp the meaning of the words I was telling her, but it felt good to talk about it with her.

(Little side note to Laci: You helped picked Mia's name...we asked you about several different names over the past few months, and Mia was always the one you could say the best. Thank you little girl, I think you picked the perfect name for your little sister).

Yesterday, Ryan and I drove home for a few hours to do some laundry, make decisions on the house we are still trying to build, and of course, to visit with Laci. I went with Ryan to take care of "business" first, but it felt like I couldn't get to my mom's house fast enough to see my "big" girl. She was napping when I arrived, which allowed me to get settled before the hug-fest began. After rolling around on the floor for a while (she is extremely sloooooow at waking up), she opened her little eyes and saw I was there. We spent the next hour playing on the floor since I wasn't allowed to get up..."SIT!" she would say. No problem...I was happy to sit with her. As usual, the hugs and kisses were plentiful and we alternated between snuggling and wrestling...her "love" gets a little rough sometimes.

I showed her pictures of baby Mia again and we talked a little bit about how mommy and daddy are helping baby sister get better. We talked about how she is staying with Grammy while mommy and daddy are busy, but that we'll all be back together again soon. When she saw the pictures this time, she said, "Mia" without any prompting, so I'm thinking at least some of our conversation stuck in her little head. Then she tried to pull the tape off of Mia's face...guess we still need to work on the photo/real life distinction, but in the meantime, I think it is too cute.

Leaving Laci this time was a tiny bit easier than the past few times. We exchanged hugs and kisses (as if a million weren't enough already) and told her we were going to be with baby sister and she was going to feed the horses with Grammy. Far fewer tears were shed this time, all my tears of course. Now that I can finally see a tiny light at the end of this very long tunnel, I can remind myself that each day apart brings us one day closer to being together again. I have never run a marathon (HA! I haven't even run a mile since high school), but I can imagine the similarities between a marathon and what we are going through now...chanting "one foot in front of the other" all the way until we finally reach the finish line.