recovery requires patience

Another day, another few steps forward, another reminder to just go with the flow and let Mia take the time she needs to heal. Patience certainly is a virtue and I'm getting a big patience lesson as the days pass slowly.

The Medical Rundown:
Mia's oxygen setting was lowered today to 21%, which is the same as the room air we breathe. Her pressure and rate settings haven't been changed yet because she is still having some trouble with "blowing off" her carbon dioxide. The doctors and nurses believe that as she is weaned from the Morphine, she will make more of an effort to breathe on her own and she'll be better able to eliminate the CO2. Her Morphine dose was also lowered, actually cut in half today. The cut in her dose may have been a little much because she became very agitated when we visited her this evening and required a little extra dose to help her calm down. It isn't likely that Mia will be taken off her ventilator tomorrow as I had hoped. I know we are still headed in the right direction, so for now, I'll just continue to work on my patience and focus on the small steps she has been taking each day.

The highlight for today is she doesn't have to be under the photo therapy lights! She looks so pretty in a little outfit and blanket. I'm sure she appreciated being able to look around at will, and I certainly enjoyed seeing her little eyes.

***

Mia is getting more alert each day as she comes out of her Morphine fog. This morning, it was so nice to look in her little eyes and watch her examine her strange world. Her Nanny and Papa E visited today and got to see her sweet little face with eyes open. Grammy and Papa S will visit tomorrow and I hope they get to enjoy the same experience.

Unfortunately, along with more alertness comes the ability to voice her opinion if she is unhappy. This means crying, like most babies do, except it is silent because of the ventilator. It looks incredibly frustrating for her as she turns several shades of red, her face squishes up, and she wriggles around as best she can. It is even more frustrating for me because there is very, very little I can do to console her. The best I can do is to stroke her hair and cradle her feet and try my best to make her feel secure. Tonight, it didn't work. She cried for about 20 minutes. I felt helpless and useless to my baby girl, knowing that she is going through so much right now and I can do so little to help her. The nurse tonight is fantastic, as they all have been, and actually asked my opinion about giving Mia another dose of Morphine. I can't tell you how much that helped me...to know that she valued my opinion of my daughter's status. I told her that I was pretty sure Mia was extremely agitated about something, and that yes, an extra dose would probably help her calm down. When we left 45 minutes later, Mia was sleeping peacefully.

***

Mia got a new roommate today. The NICU has been pretty quiet this week, and although that means less hours for the nurses, it also means that babies are being born healthy. The little guy that moved into the next bed isn't seriously ill, he is just having some trouble with his lungs and needs a little extra help. He was born here at UCD and brought upstairs just a few minutes after birth. We were in the room when he came in with his daddy, who was anxiously watching as the nurses hooked baby up to oxygen and placed an IV. Watching the scene unfold took me back to July 31st in an instant. The feelings, uncertainty, fear, sadness...it all came flooding back.

Our first few days here feel like an eternity ago, but the emotions are still very fresh in my memory and quick to resurface. As my throat was tightening and I fought back a few tears, I wanted to tell this man, a complete stranger, that his baby boy is in the best hands possible and he will be fine. I wanted to tell his wife that I understand exactly how she feels, with her baby being taken from her just minutes after birth. But it certainly isn't my place to be saying these things. Later this evening, as we said good night to Mia, the man and his wife and a few family members were visiting the newest addition to their family. I said a quick "Congratulations" and "Your boy is beautiful" as we walked out. I hope they feel better tomorrow. Even more, I hope that tomorrow we won't see them at all because they will have moved back downstairs to the regular nursery where every baby and mother deserves to be.

***

I'm looking forward to another good day tomorrow.

More baby steps for Mia.

A visit from Laci.

Seeing my family.

And one day closer to where I really want to be...home.