still waiting...

There is only one reason for my lapse in writing:

Exhaustion.

Not to say that I'm any less tired tonight than I have been for the past several nights. But sometimes, like tonight, I'm able to trick myself into thinking that I don't really need to sleep. Some people call this a "second wind." I think by now, I must be into at least my ninth, or maybe my eleventh wind.

Mia is continuing to do well, but isn't gaining as much weight as the doctors would like before releasing her. She is getting much better at eating, doesn't spit up anymore than any normal baby, and poops like a champ. I started breastfeeding Mia on Saturday. I'm only able to do so about once or twice a day, but she is proving to be a natural at it, which is a relief to me. If all goes as planned, I'll be able to kiss the pump good bye. Mia has passed her hearing test and her carseat challenge, and Ryan and I have watched all four safety videos required by the hospital. We are all ready to go...except for the weight issue. I can't help but feel that if Mia were able to come home, see some real daylight, and eat on her own schedule that she would gain weight without any problems. But my head tells me to trust the doctors that have gotten her this far, so I will continue to wait as patiently as possible.

Each morning, as I walk into her room, I hope to hear that she is ready to come home. So far, I've been disappointed each morning. I try not to let it get to me, but my nerves are wearing very, very thin and I can't help but feel a little sadder each day she has to stay there. She has "graduated" to a different area of the NICU where babies with less serious illness get to stay. Unfortunately, her corner of this new room isn't near any windows and is directly under an air conditioning vent. It feels somewhat cavelike, not dungeon like, but definitely not the bright, airy space of her previous rooms. It may seem trivial, but to this photo-loving mama, the lack of light is a huge disappointment, not to mention a bit depressing for the mood.

Also depressing for the mood is how many babies are in and out of the NICU. After spending three weeks here, I've seen many babies come in, and most get to leave fairly quickly, but some will be here much longer than ours. My heart breaks for all of these parents, but the ones that really get to me are the new dads, whose babies have been born downstairs in labor & delivery, and for one reason or another, require some special attention. These dads follow their babies in, feeling the instant love and rush of becoming a parent for the first time. They are full of questions for the nurses, and concern for their babies. I wish they could just enjoy those first moments of being a new parent without having to worry about their baby being put on oxygen, or poked with needles. I wish they could bond without having to listen to a monitor beep intermittently and not understand what the numbers on the screen mean. And then there are the new moms, many who gave birth by C-section, who are wheeled upstairs hours later, in their hospital gown, for a peek at their new love. I wish it could be different for them. I have felt thankful many times that Mia is our second child...that we were able to experience the pure, uncomplicated joy of having a healthy baby the first time around.

***

Ryan and I pulled our trailer home on Sunday and have started "setting up house" in our shop again. All my previous efforts at nesting are currently in disarray and I have some serious organizing to do. I also have a two year old that needs to remember where she lives and where she is supposed to sleep. As I type this, Laci and I are at my mom's...Laci is sleeping next to me on the living room floor...we haven't actually made it "home" yet. Ryan is at "home," which has been a huge relief for our four-legged children, and he is making up for lost time on the house-building project. Because, you know, we kinda, really need a house...now.

This leaves me commuting to the hospital each day, and counting down the days until we don't have to live like this anymore. Of course, a countdown is a little difficult when you don't have a specific day you're counting down to...but, I can always hope that tomorrow will deliver a more definitive answer to the question: When are we going home?