baby mia - four days old

Mia's status today is very much the same as yesterday.  She remains stable on the ECMO and the doctors and nurses are focusing on getting rid of some of the excess fluid she is retaining.  Their efforts at this point have been successful and she is already looking slightly less puffy than she did this morning.  Mia's cardiac doctor is taking one day at a time and it not ready to attempt any weaning from the ECMO machine yet.  She does not want to rush Mia's treatment, and we are comfortable with her decision.

It is reassuring to us that Mia has been fairly stable during her treatment.  There have not been any major crashes or reason for alarm.  It is simply a waiting game, a terrible waiting game that seems to drag on forever, though it has only been a few days.

Since Mia's status was stable and there were no plans for changing her treatment today, Ryan and I decided to head home for a few hours this afternoon.  Ryan dropped me off at my mom's while he ran some errands, checked on our house and animals, and picked up some clothes.  I did some laundry and played with Laci.  It was oddly normal to do such familiar things, almost as if the past few days weren't real.

I'm not a religious person, but I certainly believe in spirituality, God, and the power of prayer.  I've prayed more in the past few days than ever before in my life...prayed for strength, prayed for healing, prayed for a miracle.  We have received messages from so many family members and friends, and we know you are all praying right along with us.  I want everyone to know how much we sincerely appreciate all of it.  Truly, sincerely appreciated.  It is amazing how much love we've felt since the beginning of this ordeal.

This whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes, when I look at her limp body on the bed, I can't believe how incredibly sick she is and I feel so very sad and hurt.  At other times, it is almost as if she isn't real to me...I see a sick baby, but my body cannot handle the stress of the situation and becomes incredibly numb.  I don't feel anything.  I am able to answer questions about her status like a robot, void of emotion, regurgitating facts the doctor and nurses have told me. 

At the current moment, I am feeling a new emotion...true hope.  As odd as it may sound, I have been hesitant to truly believe in Mia's recovery, probably because I have needed to protect my heart from breaking further.  This morning started out rough, as it does every morning when I wake up and realize that I haven't been dreaming, but as the day wore on, it got better.  I spent some time with both my girls, and for the moment, am feeling more sure of Mia's recovery.

When I touched Mia's head this morning and told her how beautiful she is, she started to wiggle a bit.  She probably need some more morphine, but I was glad to see her try to move.  Her eyebrows lifted as if to open her eyes, but the swelling makes that impossible.  I've missed being able to bond with her physically...I was only able to hold her for a few minutes when she was born, and then again for a few minutes before the helicopter team arrived to take her to Davis.  But when she responded to me today, I knew in my heart that my little girl is still in there and she still remembers me, and for today, that is enough.