another day down...

Mia's first feeding went well this afternoon. She is only allowed 5mL every 3 hours to start with, so I'd say I have a bit of a head start on providing enough milk for her. Though she has been rooting around for food for several days now, she was quite frustrated when milk actually came out of the bottle. She couldn't quite figure out how to swallow and breathe at the same time, but I think she got most of the milk down. She gave us a couple of giant burps, cried through most of the process, and went soundly to sleep when all was said and done. Overall, I'd call her first attempt at eating a success.

When your baby lives in a hospital, you get to do things that are not your typical parenting duties. For example, when you change your baby's diaper, you get to show the nurse its contents and then it gets weighed. I'm really glad I don't have to weigh Laci's diapers. You learn to maneuver your newborn, along with various IV lines, tubes and monitor cords as if they are just another part of your baby. Today, I assisted the nurse in changing the dressing on Mia's broviac. A broviac is an IV that is inserted in her head behind her right ear and must be dressed carefully to avoid infection. I put on a hair net and mask and looked almost like a pro, except my only job was to hold Mia still and keep the pacifier in her mouth. The IV line is taped securely to her head to keep it from getting pulled out. The nurse had to remove the previous tape from Mia's hair and then reapply the new dressing, and it all looked pretty painful if you ask me. Poor little Mia was calm and happy with her pacifier until the final tape pulling, and then she let us know how unhappy she was. On the up side, Mia seems to calm down pretty quickly after getting upset...something I hope she continues to do once we are home.

Mia also had an MRI of her brain today. The official MRI report won't be available until tomorrow, but the doctors did not see anything significant that would be a reason for concern. This is incredible news considering the time she spent on limited oxygen after birth.

We are definitely on the downhill slope of our stay here at UCD, though I often feel like the end can't get here fast enough. I was brave enough to ask for a rough timeline today and we will likely be here another two weeks, depending on how well Mia tolerates her feedings. This is good news in that we are halfway done! However, I already know how slowly two weeks can feel when they are passed within the hospital walls.

One of the worst things about being down here, stuck in a sort of time warp, is that life continues to go on without you. I had to sit down and pay bills last night...little, expensive reminders that the world is so much bigger than me and isn't going to wait for me. My sweet Laci already seems to be a different person than she was two weeks ago. I am missing her daily changes. She will be two on Thursday, and I had so wanted the four of us to be together. We went to Toys R Us today and bought her a tricycle, I hope she likes it. I want her to know how much I miss her and how much I wish I could still be with her everyday.

I find myself in a constant battle over which daughter I should be with. I imagine every new mother of two feels this way at some point, as it is impossible to give both children your sole, undivided attention simultaneously. But when your children can't even be in the same room together, it feels so much harder. On one hand, Mia isn't so much aware of my presence as Laci is. On the other hand, Mia's condition is so much more critical than Laci's. How do you choose where to be? How do you decide which daughter needs your more?

Ryan will head home again tomorrow to work on the house...one of the few things I am happy to have continue on without me.

I am still taking one day at a time. Making plans more than a day or two in advance is still a challenge for me, although it helps to know that we have many, many days ahead of us with both our girls together. So, tomorrow, I am looking forward to a visit from my mom and grandma while Laci goes to visit her Nani E. I know that I will hold and feed my younger daughter and that, for the time being, my older daughter is being loved and well looked after. And I know these things are so much more than I could have hoped for just two weeks ago.