I love being a mother. I am living the life I dreamed of living when I was just a little girl. And because I truly hope my girls become mothers someday as well, I want them to know one thing:
Motherhood is hard.
Very, very hard.
Hard isn't a bad thing. It just is. You are given these beautiful little people to care for without instructions or a manual, and even your instincts often don't help you. They demand the most from you when you feel you have the least to give, and there is very little, if any, time for personal refueling.
I hope I'm not sounding bitter here. I have just been struggling with my lack of time and sleep lately, and yesterday, I looked at myself and had to admit to a very difficult thing. I am being selfish. I am beginning to resent my girls for needing me so much. Sometimes it feels like too much needing. So much that I rarely sleep more than two hours at a stretch, that I cannot focus on anything without a thousand interruptions, and I can't remember the last time that I was truly alone and relaxed. But this is not their fault, and even though I feel nearly drained of all my motherly resources, they deserve all that I have to give.
I love these girls in a way I would have never thought possible before having children. Their happiness is my joy, their sadness, my greatest sorrow. I am challenging myself to truly give them my all each and every day, to the very best of my ability. I am not a perfect mother. I am impatient when I'm tired and I yell too much and I get frustrated when I should be compassionate. I can only hope that along the way, I am teaching them forgiveness, because heaven knows, I'm going to need it.
I think there is beauty in the difficulty of motherhood. It makes you appreciate the good and simple moments that much more, like when the baby is finally asleep after an hour of trying to soothe her tears, or when your sweet girl gives you a hug and says, "Love you mommom" without any prompting. Those are the moments I treasure, that I try to capture with my camera, that I hope will remain in the forefront of their childhood memories.
So, thank you girls, for a lovely Mother's Day, and for making me want to be a better person. I would not be who I am without you.
Happy Mother's Day, Tonya! You're right, motherhood is hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think you must be doing it right though. If you weren't tired and sleep deprived, it would mean you weren't doing your job. A REAL parent doesn't have the luxury of being a lazy parent. You'll get to sleep again soon...like in a couple of years. :) Enjoy this time you have with your girls before they start school. My baby will start kindergarten this fall, and I have no idea where the time has gone. I know you know all this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone who has been there. Oh, and if you were wondering, I think you sound normal.
ReplyDeleteSarah
By the way, my Mother's Day was spent having a lovely lunch and Red Lobster, followed by hours of spectating at the indoor batting cages where it must have been 100+ degrees. :)
ReplyDeleteSarah
My darling,
ReplyDeleteNever be hard on yourself for wanting more sleep. You wouldn't feel guilty for being hungry, would you? The nights are hard, especially with two little ones. Make sure to take a little time for yourself every day . . . even if it means just peeing alone for once, or spending an extra minute sipping coffee before you go investigate what all the screaming's about. The past week I've tried to not worry as much if Lily's making a mess and tried to breathe a little more, and you know what? Life is feeling a lot more manageable.
Also, you can TRULY come over anytime with both babies and a good book, sit in the reading nook, and let me chase the kids for a while. Ike just rolls around the living room floor right now, and Lily and Laci would probably get into all kinds of stubborn strong-willed little girl fights, but we could just strip 'em down and fill up the water table. Mia could roll around with Ike. You could also drop them off and run over to Costco if you wanted to. Sometimes when I go to Costco alone it's like a little "me time." I can eat samples, look at books, dream about throwing a Dyson in my cart . . . pretty pathetic, but I'll take what I can get!!!
Motherhood is indeed the hardest job there is. "Stay at home" mom is tougher than "Also going to a paying job" mom, because of the change in routine. I have done it both ways. The payoff is when they are grown and say "I want to be a mom. And just like you". When Kellie said that, I literally cried. I certaintly do not feel like a good role model, but I must have done something right!
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you dear,
MC