happy new year

I am more than ready for 2012 to begin. Never before have I felt so strongly about starting fresh in a new year, and I think it is especially perfect that this year starts on a Sunday.

I'm generally not a resolution girl. I tried a few resolutions last year, and, well, I'm not so good at keeping, or even remembering them. Let's review.

First, I resolved to blog more often. I then blogged only once in February and only three times in March. Then along came August, and given the circumstances of Mia's birth, I wrote nearly everyday. The end tally: fewer posts than last year and technical resolution failure, though I won't dwell on it. Mostly because it doesn't really matter, but also because in that one month of draining my thoughts for all the world to read, I realized how my words might actually mean something - that what I have to say might occasionally carry some weight. I started to feel more comfortable telling more of the story. Not just the happy and pretty, but also the sad and the ugly - because it's all part of the story I'm trying to tell.

Second, I resolved to do more things that make me happy. I cannot quantify if I accomplished this one. I sewed, I photographed, I crocheted, I cooked (though not as much as I would have liked), I spent more time with my mom than I imagined possible (and will be forever thankful for all our time together and the projects we collaborated on). I tried to create my own happiness. While I also spent a great deal of time doing things that did not make me happy, I learned I'm much more content when I'm doing something, creating and making things. I thrive on projects, which should serve me well in the coming year as we get settled into our new home.

My third resolution involved getting to know my camera better. Success! I finally learned how to read that little meter on the screen, and though I still miss the correct exposure more often than not, I can shoot in manual. I learned enough about white balance to know why my pictures look too yellow or too blue sometimes, though I usually forget to adjust the settings until long after the picture is taken. I learned enough about ISO to know that my camera takes terribly grainy pictures at 1600 and a better camera would take much better indoor, low light holiday pictures. And yes, my desire for a bigger, better camera is still there, has grown even, but I'll be content with what I've got for a while longer because I have to.

Fourth, a resolution to talk less and listen more. Ummm, I forgot I even made this resolution, so you can guess how well this went. Given my Portuguese-Italian ancestry, my strong opinions, my loud voice, and my inability to be brief, I was certain to fail at this one anyway. Though I can remember consciously making an effort to keep my thoughts to myself on more than one occasion (and succeeding a few of these times), there isn't much point in fighting biology.

My fifth resolution is almost laughable. Stress less. Clearly, I did not factor several things into this equation: building a house, having a second baby, spending nearly a month at the hospital with a sick baby, living in a trailer for what is now almost a year. I stressed plenty. Although, I believe when I made this resolution, it wasn't so much about avoiding stressful situations as it was about my reaction to these situations. I need to learn to just roll with the punches a little more, to accept that I cannot control everything around me despite my nearly constant effort to do so, to just say, "it is what it is" a little more often and to be okay with how it all works out. I'm still working on this. I imagine it will take longer than a year to "fix" this.

After such a long-winded reflection on 2011, I conclude that I am still not a resolution girl. Of course, there is the ever-present desire to better myself in some way each day. To be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend than I was the day before. To play with my children more, to look at my phone less. To spend more time being thankful for what I have, to spend less time adding to my wish list. But these things are not resolutions that can be achieved and crossed off a list of to do's. I will never reach a state where I cannot still improve in some way.

I would love to jump headlong into some amazing project or goal for the year, but if there is one thing I've learned from 2011, it is that life will throw enough challenges at you, there is no need to create them yourself. I plan to welcome 2012 with an attitude of "let it be what it will be," grateful for the lessons and blessings of 2011, grateful that it is over and we survived, and grateful for the opportunity to start a fresh, new year.