a really long story about why i need caffeine

Moving stuff into my new kitchen last weekend should have been an easy task. My excitement about moving into our new house should have lit a fire under my butt, energizing me and telling me, "I can do ALL the things!"  That is not how it went down.

I was dragging, unmotivated, unexcited. And very frustrated with myself that I wasn't all, "Yay! Moving and unpacking boxes and organizing is awesome!" My pathetic state of sluggishness was likely the result of not sleeping much the night before. Mia's poor sleeping habits have taken a turn for the worse lately, and I've given up trying to understand why babies (and kids) don't want to sleep. Ever. Except when sleeping interferes with something I have scheduled. Then, and only then, they can sleep for hours.

I know I'm not the only mother on Earth who doesn't get enough sleep, but I couldn't help but feel like every other mother out there deals with is so much more gracefully than I (I know this isn't true, but it is how I felt).

If it weren't for the prodding of my mama and the helpfulness of my sisters, my pots and pans would likely still be packed away and my dishes covered in shop dust. I plodded away at washing and organizing dishes, and it started to sink in that we might actually be living in our dream soon, and I did manage to churn up some enthusiasm. But it felt forced, and therefore not nearly as satisfying as true, from the soul, excitement and enthusiasm.

As I complained about my sluggishness, my sisters were raving about the benefits of giving up caffeine.

"You sleep better!"

"You don't crash in the afternoon!"

"You have so much energy!"

"No caffeine!  Hooray!"

And I couldn't disagree with them. I've given up caffeine before, even given up sodas completely for over a year one time. I know how much better you feel, but the deliciousness of soda and coffee have always won out for me in the long run. And, as I pointed out to my Oh-So-Wise younger sisters, they had the opportunity to sleep at night uninterrupted.  Something I've only dreamed of in the past few years. Caffeine or not, even just six uninterrupted hours of sleep at night would give me enough energy to organize ten kitchens. I have come to rely on that sudden, although temporary, burst of energy that results after a good dose of caffeine.

Knowing deep down that it wasn't a good idea, I decided to switch to decaf coffee Sunday morning. For whatever reason, a reason that I'm sure I will never know or understand, Mia was up six or seven times the night before and woke for the day at 6:30 am (which was also the day we switched to daylight savings, so really it was 5:30 am).*** My day was not off to a great start, but I was willing to try anyway.

I lagged. I dragged. I wished for the wave of wakefulness that usually comes with my morning cup. It didn't happen. Then the caffeine headache set in. Then I tried to sleep it off, but trying to nap on the couch with a two year old using your body as a trampoline is not conducive to sleep. I finally napped for about an hour while she watched a movie, awakening to what had become a raging headache. Three ibuprofen and four hours later, my headache had calmed to a dull throb in my head and I finally felt like I could tackle something. Except the day was over, and the bathtime/bedtime (hardest) part of the day was upon me.

I survived. I have been through the caffeine headache before. It is always the worst that first day, then lags for a couple of days, then goes away completely. I knew I had already been through the worst of it, but I couldn't bring myself to continue.

I started the next morning with a cup of fully caffeinated French Vanilla brew. It was warm, and delicious, and was just the Umph! I needed to get going. As I watched the sun rise over the hills to the East, I thought of the flowering pear tree in my mama's front yard in full bloom.  I knew we would be getting rain soon, and that I should seize the photographic opportunity NOW. It was a burst of inspiration I couldn't ignore. I pulled on some boots over my pajama pants, ran outside, and quickly snapped some pictures.

Lest you think these have been photoshopped, please know they are straight out of the camera, except for some resizing for the Internet. Blue skies like that are best when you just capture Mother Nature doing her thing.

I can't say these photos would not have happened without caffeine that morning, that the caffeine effect wasn't created solely by my own positive thinking. But I do know that I enjoy my morning coffee fully caffeinated and an occasional Dr. Pepper in the afternoon, and I'm not willing to give them up just yet. With little ones around who are so dependent on me, there is very little time to enjoy things that are just for myself, and if a false burst of energy in the morning is all I get, then I'll be satisfied.

If you find yourself in a similar position, and have managed to stay with me this long, I'm hereby granting you the right to indulge without guilt. Eat the last brownie, hide from your kids in the shower for an extra five minutes, and by all means, eat dessert first if that's what you want.

This post brought to you by a properly caffeinated mama who spent the majority of last night rocking a small baby and consoling a two year old who was awakened by bad dreams, insisted the bed was full of bugs, and refused to sleep anywhere other than in my arms on the couch.

***Just in case you are thinking that Mia has trouble sleeping because of my caffeine intake and the fact that she is breastfeeding, I don't think this is the problem. I have had the exact same amount of caffeine intake since she was born, including when she was in the hospital and I was pumping and freezing milk for her. She was sleeping 8-9 hours at night when she was just a few months old, but has gotten more wakeful during the night as she has gotten older, and this pattern seems to be completely unrelated to how much or how little caffeine I have.