my birthday

Today is my 33rd birthday, and it has been a really good day.

I spent the morning with Ryan, shopping and eating lunch, while my mom watched the girls. We stopped at Home Depot for some things because, for us, no date is complete without a trip to Home Depot. I also scored some new lotion and bath towels, and I suppose that's all it really takes these days to make me feel pampered. After Ryan left for work, I spent the afternoon with my mom and babies just watching tv and playing. And my sisters joined us this evening for a dinner of chicken teriyaki bowls and egg rolls.

Last night, I had the brilliant idea of photographing my day, because that's the kind of weird thing I'd like to do on my birthday. I plugged in my camera battery to make sure it had a good charge. When I left the house this morning, I grabbed my camera, but not my battery. I did not take a single picture today. And so, I suppose it is appropriate that I am not including a picture with this post.

A post without a picture feels awkward for me. I always feel like at least you have something to look at if you aren't interested in reading my long-winded, self-indulgent musings that likely entertain only myself. Without pictures, my thoughts and words are just hanging out there, all exposed and vulnerable. Pictures are my armor. And yet, I feel the need to write. The proof will be if I actually click "publish" when I'm done purging my mind.

I feel like a birthday is a good reminder to reflect on where you've been and where you're going. I'm not afraid to say I'm in a pretty good place in life.

Almost my entire life, I have been working toward one goal or another. Goals have kept me looking forward, which is especially helpful when daily life feels repetitive and monotonous, or just plain hard. There was a period in my early twenties where I sort of wandered aimlessly through life. I think it's pretty typical of an early twenty-something and the details aren't really important. I can't say I'm especially proud of many of the things I did during this time, but I can't fully regret those decisions either, as it was those decisions that made me the person I am today. And despite how terrible many of those decisions were, they are part of how I got to where I am now, which I don't regret at all. As I approached 25, I regained some focus and remembered that I needed goals in my life. So, I went back to school to complete my accounting degree. I followed up with goals of getting married, becoming a CPA, buying a house, and having a family. Check, check, and check - goals accomplished. Except for the whole CPA thing which, as it turns out, wasn't something I really wanted after all.

So all this talk about goals brings me to today, where I once again find myself without a target on which to focus my efforts. Of course, I'm not the unattached 23 year old I once was. I am a mother and wife with an important role in other peoples' lives, so, I feel like my aimlessness is a bit less destructive than it was a decade ago. I have a family to take care of and there is importance in that. And yet, without a clear goal in mind, I still feel a bit lost. I feel like there is something more in life to achieve, but, a little like that 23 year old girl, I'm not sure what the next step should be.

If you were to ask me what this coming year will bring, I would not know what to answer. In many ways, I have everything I remember asking for, but that doesn't leave much to look forward to. And the thought of asking for more than I already have just seems selfish and greedy. I suppose what it all boils down to is taking some time to be truly content with all the gifts in my life. And from this contentment, will rise an opportunity to grow and become a better person, which is a pretty lofty goal, in fact.

With that final thought, I will go to bed and hope for a restful night. Happy birthday to me.