"i want to go to school"

On our way to the post office today, we passed a school during recess.  There were little kids running, swinging, yelling, and playing.  Laci asked, "What's that?"

"A school," I told her.

"I want to go to school!" she announced.

She announced it five more times in the car, a couple of times in the post office, and at least once more on the way home.

"When you get a little bit bigger," I explained to her.

"But I AM getting bigger," she insisted.

And she is getting bigger.  Everyday.

It was our decision to not send her to preschool this year.  A decision I'm glad we made.  She has plenty of years ahead of her to spend in a classroom, but for now, I want her to be little.  I want her to play and snuggle with her momma.  I want to protect her innocence.  I want to be selfish and keep her for my own, just a little bit longer.

***

A woman in line at the post office was making conversation.  I'm not really good at that talking-to-strangers thing.  My mom is a whiz at that, she can make a friend anywhere.  This woman mentioned, "It's so sad about that school."  I didn't really know what to say, except to agree.

I thought about how everyone is thinking about "that school" right now.  How I thought about "that school" just moments before when Laci was so adamant about going to school, too. Like so many others, I sat glued to the TV on Friday, hearing the story of the students and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I'll admit I cried, on more than one occasion.  I felt sad, and angry, and physically ill at the loss of those little lives, as well as the adults that were taken.  I tried to imagine what those parents must be experiencing, but it is impossible to really KNOW until you have been in those shoes.

I had planned a post for last Friday, something about Laci's wish list for Christmas, but it felt too light-hearted on such a sad day.  I remember when Mia was born and very sick, when we weren't sure if she were going to live.  Time stopped for me.  My life existed only within the confines of that hospital and nothing else seemed to matter except that my baby was still breathing.  But on the outside of that hospital, life kept going for everyone else.  It was very strange to feel so separate from a world that I was very much a part of. And while my experience is nothing near as difficult as what those parents are going through, I can imagine they feel the same way.  Life for them has stopped for a bit, and will never, ever be the same again.  But the rest of the world must carry on, time won't wait.  I truly hope they are finding the peace and courage they will need to pick up the pieces and carry on.

I wonder how long it will take for this most recent tragedy to become dim.  It is still fresh news, and has already become the means by which so many are pushing their own agendas.  More gun control.  Less gun control.  Health care reform.  President this.  Political that.  It makes me kind of sick.  I stopped reading my Facebook feed because I couldn't take how impersonal it had become.  I would venture to say that not a single one of those parents is questioning the politics of this country.  It is much more likely that they are clinging to whatever spiritual beliefs they hold and digging deep, through prayer or meditation or whatever they believe, to find a way to survive and heal.  It would be nice if the rest of America would give them the space to do just this.

I had never intended to make this post so long, or that I would share my opinion so openly, but there it is.  These words have been forming in my head for several days, and for whatever reason, have found their way here.  It isn't nearly as eloquent or concise as I had imagined, but I have little time for editing and proofreading.  It has been a long week, with many ups and many downs, aside from the school shooting, and I'm just trying to sort through it all.  Most of all, I'm very thankful right now for two innocent little girls who are oblivious to the terrible things that can happen, and when I'm feeling uncertain, I can look in their eyes and see what pure innocence, honesty, and love look like.

What helps you through difficult times?